


One by one, his reckless devotion

by mmurdock



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-15
Updated: 2013-10-15
Packaged: 2017-12-29 11:19:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1004818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mmurdock/pseuds/mmurdock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Modern setting / high school AU:</p><p>In every universe,<br/>I will find you<br/>and I will love you.</p><p>Hakkai/Gojyo</p>
            </blockquote>





	One by one, his reckless devotion

**Author's Note:**

> My god, these two.

_I bet you looked at_   
_the ocean and thought,_   
_"I deserve more than this."_

\---

They were sixteen and terrible when they first met, this time around.  Hakkai realized that it had been such a long time since he had somebody that he could call his friend.  His dry sense of humour and distant personality made it difficult.  Losing his sister made it even worse.  
  
But then there was a boy named Gojyo, the new kid who transferred from some small town that nobody cared enough to remember.  The air around him smelled of cigarette smoke.  "Do you want to partner up for the assignment?" he asked.  "I promise I'm not a slacker."  
  
Everything about him, from his untucked shirt to his messy hair, screamed 'slacker' but Hakkai smiled, despite himself.  "Sure," he said and Gojyo laughed effortlessly.  Hakkai noticed that he was always laughing even though he always looked sad too.  
  
It seemed that high school brought with it the strangest and loveliest of people.  There was something intriguing about Gojyo.  He was funny.  He smiled a lot.  He was kind to everyone and he was sincere about it.  Maybe it was that last part that let Hakkai open up to him.  
  
When he told him about Kannan and how much he missed her, Gojyo was quiet but he did not look away.  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
Hakkai didn't.  He really didn't, but he also didn't understand how Gojyo saw all of his flaws in one glance and yet still gave him his compassion.  Hakkai didn't understand how someone who looked so sad still smiled all the time.  
  
"She was horrible at videogames," Hakkai recalled, "but that didn't stop her.  She sounds so stubborn, doesn't she?"  
  
Then, he thought about Kannan's favourite pop songs and the sound of her voice in the morning.  Kannan's bright pink fingernails and calming smile and how, when he was younger, he was so sure she was all he needed.  
  
Hakkai told him about her black, rotting flesh.  He wondered if Gojyo still wanted to be his friend, despite the ugliness that clawed from underneath his ribs.  Hakkai felt something wet on his cheeks and gritted his teeth and he wondered why he's letting himself think about her now.  
  
"I'm sorry," Gojyo said.  That was another thing about Gojyo that Hakkai noticed as well:  he was always apologizing.  
  
"Not your fault," he answered.  
  
"No," Gojyo said, "I'm sorry this happened to you."  
  
Again, with his blinding sincerity.  
  
Somehow, Hakkai knew Gojyo understood loss.  Maybe that's why he was so careful when he moved.  Maybe that's why he listened to everything Hakkai had to say without flinching.  Hakkai said, "I can tell you've lost somebody too."  
  
Gojyo shrugged in that way he always did when he had nothing to say as he fished for a cigarette.  "Everyone has lost somebody.  The world is terrifying like that."  Gojyo smiled at him and it was beautiful.  "You probably think about her all the time."  
  
"I do," Hakkai said.  That buried part of him could grieve shamelessly for once.  The next morning, it was a relief to find that he could get up and go to school without the lingering ache in his gut.  
  
Gojyo had that effect on him.  He had that effect on everyone.  He listened and made things better.  He was thoughtful in his actions.  Despite being new, he got along with everybody, even the people who didn't like him that much.  Hakkai envied the way he saw the goodness in others.    
  
Gojyo didn't disappear like Hakkai expected.  7:30, they walked to school every morning and Hakkai went to Math class while Gojyo skipped History to sleep on the roof.  11:00, they had lunch together and Gojyo told him about his experiment in Chemistry that exploded in his face.  3:30, they walked home.  Sometimes, they stopped by the convenience store and Gojyo charmed his way into buying a new pack of cigarettes while Hakkai got a cup of instant noodles.  Sometimes, they sat in the park and watched the afternoon sky in complete silence.  It was the most comfortable thing in the world.    
  
Little by little and then all at once, Hakkai realized that Gojyo was always there for him, a far more constant presence in his life than anybody had ever been.  He was different from Kannan.  She was calm while Gojyo was vibrant, but Hakkai liked that about them.  He liked that nobody reminded him of Kannan.  He didn't know how to hide his selfishness.  Kannan was a darkness.  She was a precious little something that he got to keep for himself.   
  
\---  
  
Gojyo had a lot of friends, but he always looked for Hakkai first.  He never forced Hakkai to talk more than he wanted or be social more than he could stand.  Most of the time, he just seemed to enjoy his company.  He didn't seem to mind Hakkai's anger that trailed behind him like a shadow.  Hakkai was too prudent to call him out on it but it was a small kindness that he didn't want to ignore.  
  
Underneath, Hakkai was sure that there were times when even Gojyo couldn't find the energy to smile.  He didn't talk about himself a lot.  There were scars on his cheek that he pretended not to see.  He was careful when he talked about the past.  Hakkai wanted to be there for Gojyo, the way Gojyo was there for him but not because of some misplaced sense of guilt or repayment.  It was just that Gojyo kept a lot of things to himself and Hakkai did not know how he could possibly bear it.  
  
"I don't know what happened," Hakkai said carefully as they were laid out on the grass one warm day after class, "but you can tell me, if you want."  
  
Gojyo had that look on his face like he wanted to say, "I don't know what you're talking about," but maybe he was just as tired as Hakkai was.  They were quiet for a long moment.  "Alright," Gojyo said and he told him about his mother.  
  
"She left when I was nine," he said, "and I remember everything."

It was a Tuesday morning.   It was raining outside.  Gojyo's mother simply said "good bye," and she didn't add such undefined things like "I love you" or "I'm sorry."  Gojyo watched from the window his mother's back stepping further and further away from him.  He was nine.  He didn't know what to do.

"Do you hate her for it?" Hakkai asked.  
  
"No.  People leave.  It's something they do.  You can't hate them for it."  
  
"Of course you can."  
  
Gojyo laughed quietly in response.  "It's something you shouldn't do," he corrected.  
  
"Why did your mother leave?"  
  
"She wasn't happy," Gojyo said simply.  "I don't know why.  And I don't know where she is or what she's doing.  I haven't seen her since seven years ago."  Gojyo breathed deeply.  His hands were shaking a little.  "But that's a good thing, right?  It means that wherever she is, she must be happy.  Otherwise, she would have come back."  
  
Hakkai touched Gojyo's wrist.  He didn't know why exactly doing so felt familiar.   He closed his eyes and sighed.  "I cannot believe that a person like you exists."  
  
"Oh, come on.  I'm not that bad," Gojyo laughed and Hakkai had the vague sense that Gojyo gravely misunderstood what he meant.  "I am...  I am just doing everything I can to be better about all of this.  I'm trying to heal."  Gojyo smiled at him for just a second and it was the best thing Hakkai had ever seen.  "I guess I'm just like you, Hakkai."  
  
"You are nothing like me." Hakkai did not know when he became so brutal and honest.  "You miss her more than anything in the world but you don't want her to come back because you are not selfish.  You want her to be happy.  You know how to deal with loss."  
  
"In my defense," Gojyo said, "she has the most beautiful smile."  
  
Gojyo, who was generous and forgiving and chainsmoked his way through six cigarettes, was the loveliest person in the world. Hakkai did not know how to handle him.  Hakkai did not know who Gojyo's mother was but he was sure that he hated her.  "You probably think about her all the time," he said.  
  
"I do," Gojyo admitted.  He was quiet now.  Kissing him would have been the easiest thing in the world but Hakkai was not brave.

\---

Gojyo took a lot of things.  
  
He took the things he did not like about himself, threw them into the ocean and did not even stay to watch them sink.  He took his mother with him everywhere he went.  He took Hakkai and brushed the cobwebs hanging off his shoulders and swept away the cold, dead things that lingered under the carpet.  He took Kannan's hand, shook it gently and said, "it is so nice to meet you."   Whenever Hakkai talked about her, and he talked about her so often these days, Gojyo listened and listened and listened.  
  
These days, Hakkai smiled more genuinely.  Gojyo said, "I like seeing you happy," in that honest, humble way he spoke.  It was one of the many things about him that Hakkai adored.  
  
He did not know why exactly Gojyo approached him that day, in a class of twenty-four students who all looked friendlier and nicer than him.  He did not know why Gojyo stuck around and refused to leave or why he walked with him to school and always looked for him during lunch.  
  
All he knew was what happened:  
  
"My name is Gojyo," said the tall boy with the big, big heart.  
  
"My name is Hakkai," replied the quiet boy with the foul, foul heart.  
  
Finally, something in the universe clicked into place.  
  
\---  
  
 _Where have you been?_  
 _It has been centuries._  
 _I have been waiting for you._


End file.
